Meet the Shadeslayers
by Blodh Skulblaka
Summary: It's been more than a century since Galbatorix evil cookings nearly poisoned the dragons to extinction. Now the Vardan and the Empire might need to set their differences aside so they can fight dark lord Goatemort and his evil minion Whiskers.
1. WTF?

**Meet the Shadeslayers**

* * *

Author note: Don't be dissapointed if you don't see much of Goatemort and Whiskers,  
They are just part of a much larger, unrealistic plot ;)  
(but they will come, don't worry)

* * *

Chapter 1 - WTF?

Long time ago, in a land far far away, there was a blue tent.

This was no ordinary tent, it was different, not only because of its occupants  
but also because of what they were d... **cough, **hmmm  
lets just say it was blue for a reason, okay?  
Okay okay, lets just say that if anyone will "accidentally" step into the tent, they will be going blind.

"Oh Eragon"

"Oh Aya!"

"I AM GOING BLIND!"

Eragon Shadeslayer, the most arrogant person in all of Alegaisia, and the only magician capable  
of summoning clothes using magic, said a single word, and instantly he was dressed.  
Then he tore his gaze from Aya and turned to look at his cousin, Roaran, and he was immediately shocked.

His cousin was clutching his eyes, muttering something that sound very kin to  
"Oh my eyes, my poor poor eyes"  
But the sight of the big man crying like a little girl was not what had shocked Eragon,  
he was used to it from home.

It wasn't the fact that Roaran was here in the tent either  
(he place wards to deflect nosy people , the incarnation being "bla bla, bla bla nosy people, North Pole")

Eragon and Roaran used to look a lot alike before Eragon's transformation in Ellsmera,  
both were very tall, had brown eyes and brown hair.  
Or used to, Roaran Songhammer was bald, and his carcass shone brighter than Eragons  
teeth after dental treatment.  
And if that was not enough, he had the most ridiculous goat beard Eragon had ever seen.

"oh my eyes, my poor poor eyes"

"SILENCE you goat" said Eragon, bahh, his cousin could be so annoying.

"What?" replied Roaran

"I mean, greetings cousin" said Eragon, it wasn't his fault, Roaran did look like a goat.  
"That's not what you said!" said an angry Roaran.  
Eragon thought this trough, he needed a good answer or his cousin will be mad,_  
Hey I know! Change the subject_ said a very familiar voice in his head.

_Thanks Sphera, _Eragon nodded in gratitude but then he remembered, big fat Sphera could not fit into the tent and therefore could not see him._  
You called me fat?!_

_Change the subject! Before Sphera eats you! Change the subject, hmm, I know!_

"Hey Roaran, what happened to your hair?" Eragon asked calmly, as though he wasn't just threatened with his life.  
Roaran winced, it was obviously a touchy subject.

"Oh, Cutterina" said Eragon, suddenly realizing that anyone with the word `cutter`  
in their name must like knives, it all made sense.

Roaran nodded in confirmation.

"How did this happen?", Came Aya's voice from the back, naked Aya's voice...  
Eragon began to turn around.

_ERAGON! _The voice in his head scolded him so hard he began seeing double._  
WHAT?! _He replied, just as loudly, from outside the tent he thought he heard a **thud**  
and then some shouts of pain, nothing important.

Roaran pulled his beard in a thinking manner.  
"I think it might be because I used the F word on her" he finally said.

Eragon didn't understand what's wrong.  
"I don't understand what what's wrong" he said.  
"When I talk about Aya, I use it all the time."

"You call me fat?!"

"Oh ****, but that's not the F word! The F word is ****, see? four asterisks, like that: ********************************!!!"

_Eragon! Watch your mouth!_

_"****?"_

Everyone glared at him, _Hurry!_ _Change the subject!_  
Eragon knew that if Aya will be mad she will...  
Umm, lets just say he would not have children.

"Roaran, How did you get into the tent? I thought I placed wards"  
It worked! Everyone stopped glaring at him like the egomaniac that he was.  
He even felt Sphera interest through their connection, all was working well until...

**Blodhgarm's head pops at the entrance**  
"Well helloooooooooooooooooooo"

It took Eragon some time to realize he was greeted in the elven traditional greeting.

"oooooooooooooooooooooo"

He need to respond with all the care and delicacy that this political situation required.

"ooooooooooooooooooo"

"Shut up!" (now you know why it is a honor to speak second)

Now there was silence, oh blessed blessed silence.  
Then he noticed Blodhgarm eyes were focuses on some point behind his back.  
"How are **you** doing?" he asked Aya with a sly smile on elven-horse like face.

Eragon froze, it was like his blood turned to ice all of the sudden.  
"How dare you check your princess cleavage like that!"

Blodhgarm recoiled, "Actualy I was-"

"SILENCE!" yelled Roaran, more loudly than Eragon ever could or would like to,  
"Thanks cousin" Eragon said.

"No problem man" Roaran said, uncharacteristic using slang,  
therefor unbalancing the delicate time and space continuum thingy that  
proffers keep talking about in movies all the time.

"That's it Blodhgarm, I am not coming to your surprise party!" Eragon said.

Elves were very sensitive, a small thing like discarding their honorific title could hurt them very badly.  
Not coming to their birthday party, well, that could make them commit harakiri.

"I...I have a surprise party?"

"Yes, the **Agaetí Blödhren** celebration" said Eragon.  
"But it isn't a surprise anymore since I told you"

Blodhgarm laughed uncharacteristicly an evil laugh.  
"Muhaha muhaaa"  
Eragon joins for no explainable reason.

"Muhaha muhaaa"  
"Muhaha muhaaa"

"Ah that was a good evil laugh" said Blodhgarm, but then he turned serious.  
"Eragon, that's not my birthday party, that is an ancient ceremony that-"

"Exactly why it is a surprise, and I am not coming, and Roaran isn't either!"

"Actually" said Blodhgarm, "Since the last celebration took place only a few months ago,  
the next one will take place in nearly a centenary, so I am not sure your cousin will be able to-"

"SILENCE!" yelled Roaran and Eragon at the same time (although Roaran yelled more loudly)  
As upset as Eragon was at Roaran for stealing his rude sentences, he was more upset at Blodhgarm.  
"I am not coming to any of your surprise parties, not this one or any for the next four and a half centuries, UNDERSTAND?" he said.

Blodhgarm nodded, "But since I know about them it isn't a surprise anymore, does that mean-"

Eragon had enough of this digging, he reached his hand and pointed it at Blodhgarm.

"AVADA KADAVRA" he yelled.

The moment he said it he knew he made a mistake, it was like death rising inside him,  
tearing his soul apart, there was a flash of green light and then...

Aaaah, pain beyond pain, nothing had prepared him for this,  
it was like he was ripped from his body, less than a spirit, less than a meaningless ghost,  
his eyes burned with the pain.  
In front of him stood Blodhgarm, still alive, but across his entire face was a hideous scar that looked like a lighting_  
WAIT! Did the scar just pulse?!_

But that's not the worst part, from his back erupted 8 gigantic black TARANTULA LEGS!  
Aah, the pain, his eyes could not take it.  
"SSSShadeslayer? Wwwwhat happened?" asked Tranatula-Blodhgarm.

"Don't worry, I will fix this!" claimed Eragon, the last thing he wanted was for  
Aya to think he was impotent.

"Repairo!" he yelled, there was a flash of yellow light and some cool stage effects  
but nothing happened, so he tried something else.

"Stupify!" this didn't work either.

"Reducto!" nothing.

But Blodhgarm understood the meaning of the last spell.  
"Are you trying to get rid of me?!" he asked, his tarantula clutches clicking  
in a -You are tarantula food- style.

Blodhgarm took a step forward and his tarantula legs knocked off the furniture as he walked.  
"No! You don't understand, I just need you to fix-"

"Stand back you fiend!" Eragon yelled.

"SCUTMESPERA!" (or however it is spelled)

"STUPIFY"

"REDUCTO"

Dam! Capital letters didn't work either.  
"I will protect you!" Roaran yelled and suddenly jumped towards the bed in Aya's direction.

"Roaran you goat! I will kill you, I swe-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"  
One of Blodhgarm clutches closed on his neck and started rocking him around the tent,  
knocking everything in his way.  
"AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

**Air breath**

"AHHHHHHHH"

"AVADA KADAVRA" he yelled, the green light hit a vase, turning it to ashes.

"AVADA KADAVRA" his teddy took a hit, then it shook and suddenly 8 unproportional  
tarantula legs erupted from it's face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
TEEEEEDDDDDYYYYY" Eragon screamed in despair.

But to no avail, his now deformed teddy slipped from its shelf, slain by his own magic.  
But he had to carry on, heroes could not deter, could not falter,  
in front of war and its casualties.  
This...is what made heroes, this is what made legends.

"FOR THE TEDDY!" he yelled.

"FOR THE TEDDY!" two voices answered.

"IMPERNDATA" X 3  
(Wait 3? Roran can't use magic, did Blodhgram just shoot himself?!)

Big BIG mistake, together the three curses worked, only he wished with all his heart they hadn't.  
Let's just say there is a very good reason why tarantulas don't dance steps,  
especially not with Eragon in their evil clutches.

**ZBANG**

Eragons head hit the teddy as Blodhgarm smashed him on the floor, and there was  
the strange squeeky voice that teddies do when you crush them.

And smashed again.

**ZBANG  
SQUEEK**

"Aaaah, make it stop!" yelled Eragon

And again

**ZBANG  
SQUEEK**

"AVADA KADVRA" he yelled, and the green light flew right through the tent's entrance.

"Ahhhh a giant tarantula!" oops, missed again.

**ZBANG**

And everything turned black.


	2. Stuff happens!

Chapter 2 - Stuff happens!

Eragon had woken up with what seemed like the worst hangover he had ever had in his life.  
Mentally he noted himself to never drink Dwarfish mead ever again.  
He just had the strangest dream last night.

He was with Aya when suddenly his cousin and Blodhgarm popped in,  
then he jinxed Blodhgarm using a harry potter spell, only to make him a giant tarantula,  
and his teddy...

Eragon stared to his right, and his teddy stared right back at him,  
with eight tarantula legs popping from its face.  
Eragon stared, and the teddy blinked!

"ITS ALIVE!" he screamed.

"So you are awake?" Eragon looked to his left, only to see Aya standing in the corner of  
the tent with her arms folded, she wore her usual black outfit.  
She looked so cute with the pointed ears popping from her hair.

Eragon nodded, too shocked to say anything.

Beside her stood Roaran, and to his surprise he was bowing._  
Strange_ he thought, then he remembered what his cousin did.  
Roaran jumping over Aya + ? = Roaran bowing.

Eragon was not very good at math, but he knew that one.  
Arya kicked Roran in the -

"Eragon!" came a voice from the entrance.  
Eragons head snapped to the entrance, only to see Evalyn, one of his elven guards.

"Shadeslayer" she said, "your presence is required at the command tent immediately,  
it's urgent" then her gaze fell on the teddy on the floor.

"I didn't know you have a teddy" she said surprised.

"Actually this is Ayas, isn't it?" he asked the elf.

"Ofcourse n-"

"ISN'T IT?!"

"Yes of course" then Aya picked the tarantula teddy and hugged it close.  
But then the teddy winked! The teddy was a pervert!

"My teddy! MINE!" Eragon snatched the spidery-teddy and smashed it on the floor.  
Then he jumped over it, crushing it with his weight.

**SQUEEK**

"Ehh, Eragon?"

"BAD TENTA-TEDDY!"

**SQUEEK**

"BAD TENTA-TEDDY!"

One of the plastic buttons of the teddies eyes popped and flew right into Eragons left eye.  
"AHH IT ATTACKED ME!"

"Eragon stop!" came Ayas voice, but Eragons mind held only one thought.

_Kill the teddy_

He unsheathed his sword, and held it with two hands, pointy edge versus teddy.

"BRISINGR!"

* * *

Eragon, Aya and Roaran finally arrived to Nasuada's tent fashionably late.  
All thanks to a little incident they had with a spider named Blodhgarm.  
Apparently the sneaky bastard tried to build a Harem!

And the fact that he was a tarantula now didn't stop "His Tarantulness" from  
running across the Vardans camp declaring his love to every woman he saw.

Inside Eragon fumed, no one was allowed to have a harem! No one!  
Except for himself of course, that is if Aya will let him, Eragon didn't do anything  
without her permission.

He sighed, and followed Aya into the tent.  
Inside he saw what appeared to be the entire Vardan leadership accompanied by two mirrors,  
one displayed the image of his foster brother, king of the dwarfs, Orik.  
The other, to his dismay, displayed the queen of the elves, Ayas mother, Islanzadi.

His knees suddenly felt very weak,_  
She doesn't know anything, She doesn't know anything, She doesn't know anything_  
He muttered to himself as he walked to take his seat in what he hoped was Islanzadi blind spot.

"Hey Eragon!" Nasuda waved at him, and he smiled back, a little to widely,  
because Arya shot her an icy glare.

"What was that?" asked Islanzadi._  
No! don't notice anything_ he thought.  
Orik however was a little more perceptive, "Ah, my foster daughter" he said.

As glad as he was that mirror-Orik felt the need to accept Arya to their "foster family"  
he didn't appreciate doing so in front of her mother.  
"Who?" asked Islanzadi.

"He meant me" he replied, everyone was staring at him, _I will smash your little mirror Orik_, he thought  
"I am Oriks foster daughter"

Everyone laughed and then they shared tea or something.  
"Ah, that's good tea" said Orik, taking another sip from his tea.  
"But I am not Orik" he said, "I changed my name, it's Yurik now, and the dwarfs aren't the dwarfs  
anymore, we are the E.U, and I am their king".

"But the E.U doesn't have a king! They have a-"

"Mustache! Behold my kingish mustache!" he said.

"BUT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A MUSTACHE!" Eragon yelled.

"Ah" said Orik.  
"Only smart people can see my mustache, I guess you are not smart enough Eragon.  
Maybe you are not meant to be a dragon rider after all."

(dramatic pause)

"All in favor of removing Eragon from his position say aye" said Orik

"Wwwwait a second! You can't vote me out!" said Eragon.

"Aye" said Islanzadi.

_On second thought_  
"Aye " said Eragon

"Aye" said Germ-endure._  
WAIT! There is a guy named GERM-ENDURE?!_

_"I WANT FALAFEL_!" screamed Roaran.

(many excruciating moments later)

Suddenly a messanger crushed into the tent.  
"We are under attack!" he said.

"What? Who?"

"Shadeslayer!" he said.  
"Its your sworn enemy, Merry-Tag!"

Orrin laughed, "Merry-Tag? That name is sooo gay!"

Eragon shot him a glare, "It's not his fault that he is gay!" he said  
"He was changed by Galbatorix!"

Merry-Tag's voice augmented with magic, echoed forth across the land.  
"Come fight me Eragon! I see you there, hiding behind Nasuada's skirts."

Also augmenting his voice with magic, Eragon replied  
"Foolish brother! I would hide there if I could! believe me I tried."

And with that he grabbed the nearest broom which just happened to have pink dots all over it,  
and used it as a horse, riding through the tents entrance.

Outside he met the entire Vardan, and they all cheered for him, some even had tears in their eyes._  
Must be tears of admiration,_ he thought.

So he rode as fast as he could, he nearly reached the camps entrance  
when Saphira suddenly landed in front of him.

He tried to stop, but he slipped and the broom hit his -  
"AHHHHHHH" he screamed, and the Vardan cheered.

"Stop cheering!" he yelled.

He was just about to recover when a red dragon suddenly landed in front of him.  
The rider on the dragon back immediately dismounted and Eragon could easily identify his  
once-friend-then-enemy-then-brother-then-half-brother Merry-Tag.

Merry-Tag was dressed all in red, even with  
-to Eragon horror- red cowboy boots.  
"AHHHHH" Eragon screamed as he felt his eyesight decreases.

Merry-Tag just grinned, "It's over now, Eragon" he said.  
"This time you are coming with me to Urobeane, and then all of us  
can all watch the super bowl together like a big nice family!"

"NOOOOOO!" Eragon screamed as he suddenly had a vision of Galbatorix cookings  
on the table while they watch the super bowl, everyone knows Galbatorix can't cook!

"Listen to me Merry-Tag, you can change your name, I know you can,  
and together we can put an end to Galbatorix evil cookings!"

Merry-Tags face just darkened, "Evil? Galbatorix is an excellent cook Eragon,  
you should hear him speak! He knows cookies recipients that the elves don't dare even look at,  
cowards that they are, table manners that were lost before Galbatorix discovered them!"

"And for good reason! I heard Galbarotix cookies are poisonous" Eragon said

Merry-Tag just laughed. "Is that what they tell you? Elves are so narrow minded Eragon,  
did you know that before the Fall all the riders only ate cinnamon cookies?"

"But I hate cinnamon cookies!" Eragon yelled.

"EXACLY!" yelled Merry-Tag. "And so is Galbatorix! So what you would have him do brother?  
Would you sentence him to eat cinnamon cookies for the rest of his eternal life?  
Of course not! Join us Eragon, and together we could have a new menu!"

_That's actually makes sense Saphira_. Eragon said to his stomach-partner.

_No! _came the Saphiras reply, _Don't listen to his lies, Eragon!  
Remember your cooking lessons with Oromis_

_"_We must end this now!" Eragon said.

Merry-Tag face darkened, "Very well" he said.

It was then that Eragon noticed that the Vardan formed a circle around them,  
not daring to get any closer.

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!" They both yelled.

Eragon chose rock, but to his dismay Merry-Tag also chose rock!_  
Damn! Its a tie! Help me Saphira_

_Sorry little one, you are on your own_

So they both chose rock, and chose again, and again, and again.  
The only difference between them is that Eragon with his elves speed  
chose many more rocks than Merry-Tag.

_DAMN IT! When did he become this good?_

Eragon could remember dueling with his brother before, but never did it take so long,  
Thorn and Saphira just finished watching "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"  
for the third time when Eragon had enough.

When Merry-Tag prepared to chose rock, again, Eragon unsheathed Brisingr.

"Ha! I win!" said Merry-Tag

"Are you insane? That's a sword!"

"No" said Merry-Tag, "That's Scissors, rock beats scissors!"

**Eragon slices Murtagh fist off**

**"**No its not"

"You just sliced my fist off" Merry-Tag said shocked

"And you are taking it surprisingly well" said Eragon

_Catch him Eragon! Before they run away_

But it was too late, Merry-Tag ran off and hugged the nearest tree.  
Then Thorn flied and with his claws, ripped the tree off the ground and with it Merry-Tag and flied away.  
"We will be back!" he yelled.

Eragon fell to the ground, defeated, and smashed his fist on the hard soil.  
They failed! Again!

But before their enemies disappeared Eragon could hear Thorns mental voice_  
Why a tree Murtagh? I will break my back because of you!  
Why not something lighter like a bush, or I don't know, A TENT?!  
You know Galbatorix doesn't offer health care for his servants!_

Eragon watched as his nemesis disappeared behind the horizon_  
We will meet again, Merry-Tag,_ he thought coldly._  
And when we do, you better have a different name._

_

* * *

_Please review


	3. Rise of Goatemort

Chapter 3 - Rise of Goatemort

The tent was very dark, its light, so very small (for it was very evil) revealed the shape  
of three hooded figures.  
A man, a cat and a tarantula-teddy.  
Only it wasn't a tent, it was the Vardan mobile restroom.

"Kneel lord Whiskers!" cried the man.  
"Kneel before the toilet seat!".

_Whiskers? You said I would have a cool name!, like Darth Vader or something!_

"Yes" agreed the man, "But that was before tenta-teddy here burnt his face, now its taken,  
so Whiskers it is. Don't worry though, you will have an important job in the new world."

_Job? What job?_ Asked the cat

"You will be the head of the cat abuse department!" cried the man

"But that's my job!" said the teddy.

"What the **** made you think a teddy will manage a cat abuse department?" asked the man.  
"You got eight arms, so you will have the `My back itches` department"

_But-  
_"But-"

"SILENCE!" yelled the man. "No one argue with Lord Goatemort, no one!  
Now meeehh like goats! Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

_Miaaahoo_ said the cat.

"Whiskers?" the man said quietly.

_Yes, my lord?_

"I will be initiating your department"

_Eh?_

"Now don't move" said the man

_Wwwwait a seco-_

"CRUCIO"

The cat moved, and the restroom flipped,  
and all of its occupants were covered in sh**.

* * *

Seventeen years old Eragon just finished his cheese cake,  
it was a very good cheese cake, without any cheese in it,  
like Oromis used to say `never fight on an empty stomach`.

Before him stood the Empire city of Belathonia, its white impenetrable walls was all that separated  
him and the Vardan from a wild after-conquer party.  
Saphira went to hunt or something, Eragon wasn't sure.

After all she had better things to do than help the Vardan win battles,  
honestly, Eragon wasn't sure why she helped them in the first place.

Eragon rode his broom-horse through the Vardan ranks,  
it was time for a before battle LOTR speech.

"Citizans of the Vardan, and random people! My brothers!"

Someone in the Vardan giggled.

"A day may come when courage of Men fails,  
and evil dark lords will win against hormonal teenagers,  
but it is not this day!  
An hour of shattered shields when we all come crying back to Mama,  
but it is not this day!  
What say you, people of the Vardan?"

"BURN THE WITCH!"

_Eh?_

Eragon looked at the Vardan, and down at the broom he was riding.  
Then at the Vardan, and again at the broom.

_Oh ****_

"A witch? Make it a wizard you-AHHHHHHHHHHH"

The Vardan charged, and Eragon fled towards the city gates.  
And thus, the attack on Belathonia has began.

* * *

"Aim Arya! Higher! No no, lower! He is getting away!" Eragon cried desperately.

"Eragon, its a bottle! It's sitting on a shelf!" Arya yelled back.

As strange as it was, it was a Carnival.  
The city of Belathonia celebrated being taken.  
Usually cities did not celebrate that, but this time it was different.

Arya tossed the ball and it was a direct hit.  
Eragon cheered.

You see, Belathonia didn't fight, it surrendered.  
Instead of all the fighting, both sides chose a champion to fight for them.

Eragon shadeslayer was the Vardan's.

Belathonia champion was Banks, Robbin Banks.

Anyway, Eragon and Robbin dueled in a fierce match of Taki.  
It was a magnificent duel, one that will be remembered for ages.  
Robbin was a gifted player, no doubt, but in the end, Eragons cheating will not be denied.

And when Robbin was about to win, Eragon pointed his finger at the sky and yelled  
"Look! A dead bird!"

Robbin looked naturally, I mean, who wouldn't?  
Then Eragon snatched about half of the deck and placed it in Robbins hand.  
Thus gaining an undeniable advantage.

Arya sighed, what a **** up world.  
She watched as the last bottle of the bunch slipped from its shelf and fell to the ground.

"Congratulations! You won!" cried the man running the stand,  
who was not mentioned before because he wasn't important enough.  
"You may choose your reward"

Eragon said mmmmmmm  
"mmmmmmmmm"

"We would take the largest teddy you got!" he proclaimed.

The man went behind the stand and when he returned he held one big teddy.

"Here you go, one Titanic-size teddy for the lady" he said.

"Actually it's mine" said Eragon.

"But-"

"MINE!"

The man running the stand looked at Arya questionably,  
she gave him a stiff nod before he handed the teddy to Eragon.

"He got issues" Arya explained,  
and both of them turned to look at Eragon who had tears of joy in his eyes.

"I will protect you" Eragon whispered to the teddy.  
"And you will never have tarantula legs ever again"

"What did he say?!"

"Never mind that" Arya said.  
"Eragon, let's go"

As they both turned to leave Arya couldn't help but notice the atmosphere in the city.  
The streets were buzzing with activity, merchants were standing at the side of the street,  
selling merchandise of any kind.  
Not exactly what you would expect in a city that was just taken by a hostile army.

It was then then Arya spotted a cat in the crowd, it was trying to cross the main road without  
being trampled by people's feet.  
It was failing, miserably.

"Hey Solebum!" Eragon yelled and started waving at the cat.

People turned to look at them and Arya just had this urge to slap Eragon in the face.

_Speak with your mind, Eragon,_ she scolded him mentally.

"Huh? Oh be quite Arya, were you born in the library?"

"Actually yes, my mother-"

But Eragon already turned to look at the cat,  
who, Arya noted, had a most severe case of eyebrow twitching.

_It's Solembum, you idiot! Not Solebum, not Carlos, Solembum!  
Is that so hard to pronounce?_

"Actually yes" Arya and Eragon said simultaneously.

_Oh it doesn't matter.  
Soon, I will have a different name,_ he said mysteriously.

Arya thought she saw a red gleam in the cat's eyes.  
"Huh?"

_What? Oh umm never mind that.  
Go to the dungeons! It's not a trap!_

"Oooo" said Eragon, "Doesn't sound suspicious at all"  
And both of them headed for the dungeons to see what Solembum was talking about.

* * *

The dungeon in Belathonia was old, older than the city itself if the walls were of any benefit  
in the observation.  
The cold gray walls held engraving that even Eragon could easily see were ancient.  
_Hlaindus was here 3,000 years before you did._

Fascinating...  
And that wasn't the oldest one, there was one that read  
_Julius was here before Hlaindus._

Wow, must have been ancient...  
"Are we there yet?" Arya asked the guard that lead the way in front of them.

The guard didn't give any sign that he heard, he just continued to walk, the torch  
held in his left hand gave the walls an even older look.

Eragon eyes widened as he suddenly noticed an engraving saying that his mother was here,  
wow she must have been old.

"Just a little further" The guard replied eventually.  
"What about now?" Arya asked.

"Little further" came the reply.

"Now?"

"Shut up!"

"What about now?"

"Yes now!" screamed the guard.  
Someone had anger issues.

"Here" he said. "Take this key, open the nearest door, just go in and be quiet!"  
"Oh, and lock the door after you"

Eragon took the key, then Arya and himself entered the cell.  
After the door was closed and locked Eragon finally realized it was a cell, as in a prison cell.  
"NOOOOOO WE ARE TRAPPED!" he screamed in despair.

"Eragon!" Arya scolded him. "You still have the key!"

"Oh right"

**Eragon goes and opens the door**

"Hey guard! You forgot to take the key"

**Guard takes key off Eragon then closes the door**

"NOOOOO WE ARE TRAPPED!" Eragon screamed.

"You idiot!"

Eragon turned around to see one angry Arya staring at him.  
He suddenly froze, in her hands Arya held his new gigantic teddy,  
and she did not held it in a loving manner.

"Let's calm down, leave the teddy out of this" Eragon tried to keep the panic out  
of his voice, but only with partial success.  
Arya just shook her head.

She took a rope and tied it around the teddy and hung it from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?"

Suddenly Arya held a massive club.  
"Teddy pinata (piñata)" she replied.

"NOOOOOOOOOO"

* * *

Eragon was sitting, his back against the hard stone wall and thought about what he did to deserve this.  
Two teddies were taken away from him, two!  
One became a tarantula and had a little accident with Brisingr.  
The other one moved...on.

His gaze fell on the floor that was filled with teddy stuffing, how could Arya be so cruel?  
He was seriously considering establishing teddies as an endangered species when he heard voices coming from the corridor outside.

"Spin the key to the left! The left I said!"

"But master! It does not spin!"

"I mean the other left, you moron!"

The was a sudden 'Click' and the door opened.  
Inside stepped Solembum, his old tarantula-teddy and a hooded man wearing black.

Everything about the mans clothing was black, from his boots to his hood,  
everything except his shirt, that was black with a pink imprint that read  
_LORD GOATEMORT_

"Please welcome" announced the teddy.  
"the new governor of the city of Belathonia, Lord Goatemort!"  
Then the teddy gaze fell on the stuffing on the floor.  
"Murderer!" he yelled.

"You took Belathonia?!" Eragon nearly chocked.  
"A new pinata!" Arya sounded delighted.

The man gave a cold, humorless lough.  
"Taking over the city was easy" he said.  
"Lord Goatemort has many...accomplices..es....es....es...es.  
Note that I repeated the plural term for emphasis...is..is...is".

"I noticed" Eragon replied coldly.  
"Who are you?"

The man gave a cold chuckle.  
"Really? You don't recognize me?"

The man sighed, seeing the confusion in Eragon and Arya faces.  
He raised his hands and pulled off his hood,  
it was Roaran, his cousin.

"I...am your father" he said.

"But you are my cousin!" Eragon said.

"I AM BOTH!"

"You lie! Brom and Selena were my parents!"

"We are all your parents, Eragon, even Morzan"

"Oh that's just sick" Eragon said disgusted.

"He lies Eragon!" Arya said,  
"Don't let him confuse you with his clever lies"

"SILENCE!" yelled Roaran.  
He took out a wand and pointed it at Arya  
"Sparkle sparkle magic thingy!"

Arya lost conscious immediately.  
"You evil bastard!" Eragon yelled.

"I thought I knew you, I trusted you!"

"Really?"  
Roaran took out a cigarette and with one word lit it up.  
"What's my last name?"

Garrowson wasn't it? No, it wasn't a family name.  
"It's medieval times, we don't have a last name!"

"Wrong!"  
Roaran took his cigarette and started drawing letters with it in thin air.  
_Roaran Marvolo Kirtle_

Then he waved his cigarette and the letters rearranged themselves.  
_I am Lord Goatemort_

"So you see Eragon, Why should I keep this ridiculous name?  
I invented myself a new one, a name I knew stuffed animals everywhere would not dare even speak!"  
"Isn't it right, Darth Vader?"

"Yes master" said the teddy gravely.

"Darth Vader? We are so sued"

"SILENCE!" yelled his cousin.  
"Now, let's put our powers to the test, shall we?  
Lord Goatemort, heir of Plancatar himself, against the famous Harry P- I mean Eragon"

He pointed his wand at Eragon, the vicious smile never leaving his face.  
"Oblivate!"

* * *

Author notes:

(1) Pinata is a funny game (I think it came from Mexico) where people blindfold themselves and then start heating a container full of candy with a bat  
(it can look like an animal but also like other things)  
I am no expert, just what I know about it, so forgive me for any inaccuracies

(2) Oblivate is a harry potter memory spell.

I know, I know, it has been AGES since the last chapter.  
But who cares about that, right? right?  
I mean we have chapter 3 and the review button.

Let's not forget the review button.


End file.
